i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
