just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
