I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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