Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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