She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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