i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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