Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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