WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize