Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
