So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
