i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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