Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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