in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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