Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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