Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
