M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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