last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Randomize
