Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
