I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
