I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
