it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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