my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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