I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
