I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
