I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
