hell yes lets make some ravioli
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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