So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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