i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
