my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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