two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dicks are not precious.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
