the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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