Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
