wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
