well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
