I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize