Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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