i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
