Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
