Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
