I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
