dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
