apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
