Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
