my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
