I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
