JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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