her vagine was all disorganized.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize