my vag is so smooth its legendary
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
