Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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