we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
