that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
