I don't usually arrange sex via text message
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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