Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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