I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
