This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
