They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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