just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can text with my tongue
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Less talking, more tequila
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
