I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
